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ANECDOTE

OF

THE ABBÉ DE LA RIVIÈRE.

THIS man, whose character was very indifferent, being willing to purchase posthumous praise, offered a hundred crowns to any person who produced the best Epitaph on him. As all Epitaphs are supposed to be panegyrical (particularly those which are paid for), it is difficult to imagine how the poet could reconcile his interest with his integrity; yet the following Epitaph is said to have obtained the money, though it leaves the character of the deceased as equivocal as it probably deserved.

HERE lies, whose fame stands on record
High as his birth can do:

Was prudent, wise-(your ear-a word—
The writer here lies too).

You'll ask, perhaps—and, asking, frown-
Why then his praise I've thunder'd?
Be mute-for one poetic crown,

I gain, in coin, a hundred.

EPITAPH

ON

THOMAS THE FIRST LORD WHARTON,

WHO LIES BURIED, WITH HIS TWO WIVES, ELEANOR AND ANN, IN THE CHURCH OF KIRKBY-STEPHEN,

IN WESTMORLAND.

HERE I Thomas Wharton do lie,
With Lucifer under my head,

And Nelly my wife hard by,
And Nancy as cold as lead:

O how can I speak without dread!
Who could my sad fortune abide,
With one devil under my head,
And another laid close by my side?

EPITAPH,

ON A LAWYER.

HIC jacet Jacobus Straw,
Who forty years follow'd the law;
And when he dy'd,

The Devil cry'd,

Jemmy, give us your paw.

ARTEMISIA.
[POPE]

THO' Artemisia talks by fits

Of Councils, Classics, Fathers, Wits;
Reads Malbranche, Boyle, and Locke:
Yet in some things methinks she fails;
"Twere well if she would pare her nails,
And wear a cleaner smock.

Haughty and huge as High-Dutch bride;
Such nastiness and so much pride
Are oddly join'd by fate:

On her large squab you find her spread,
Like a fat corpse upon a bed,

That lies and stinks in state.

She wears no colours (sign of grace!)
On any part except her face,

All white and black beside:
Dauntless her look, her gesture proud,

Her voice theatrically loud,

And masculine her stride.

So have I seen, in black and white,
A prating thing, a magpie hight,
Majestically stalk;

A stately worthless animal,

That plies the tongue, and wags the tail, All flutter, pride, and talk.

FIVE REASONS FOR DRINKING.
[DR. ALDRICH]

GOOD wine; a friend; or being dry;
Or lest we should be by and by;
Or any other reason why.

ON MR. BOSWELL'S JOURNAL OF A TOUR TO THE HEBRIDES,

IN COMPANY WITH DR. JOHNSON.

WHEN Jamie Boswell took the pen
The Doctor's sayings to record,
Professors look'd like common men,
And Johnson of the clan the lord.

Whate'er the Doctor blunder'd out,
Let it be prose, or be it verse,
Jamie took down without one doubt,
And priz'd it, as it had been Erse.

But could it be poor Johnson's fate
To read these pages, as 'tis mine;
The folio thrown at Osborne's* pate,

Dear Jamie, would be thrown at thine.

* Osborne, the bookseller, purchased the Harleian Library, and employed Johnson to make a catalogue of it; who, upon some dispute with the former, threw a folio at his head: a trait peculiarly characteristic of the savage ferocity of that Colossus of literature. EDITOR.

THE COMMONS' PETITION TO CHARLES II.

[ROCHESTER.]

In all humility we crave

Our Sovereign may be our slave;
And humbly beg that he may be
Betray'd by us most loyally:

And, if he please once to lay down
His sceptre, dignity, and crown,
We'll make him, for the time to come,
The greatest Prince in Christendom.

THE KING'S ANSWER.

CHARLES, at this time, having no need,
Thanks you as much as if he did.

EPIGRAM,

ON AN INSOLVENT BARRISTER.

WITHOUT effects is Nolo pros.

How happens this? cries one, and pausesHis palm no fees were known to cross; Effects can only spring from causes.

K

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