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DIALOGUES OF DEVILS.

DIALOGUE I.

BETWEEN FASTOSUS AND AVARO,

AVARO.

So HO! Fastosus whither so fast at this time of the morning? Be not in such a hurry, but let a kindred Devil exchange a few words with you. Pray, how do you do, uncle?

FASTOSUS. Hah! my nephew Avaro---I little thought of finding you in the Vale at present. But I am glad to see you. Pray, how do you do?

AVAR. I thank you, sir, I am pretty well, only tired with much exercise. But pray, where were you going in such a hurry? When I called to you, you seemed to outfly the wind!

FAST. Indeed, Avaro, I should not be willing to discover my concerns to every enquirer; but I condescend to make free with you, on account of our near kindred; and knowing you to be a true son of Belzebub, I can trust you with any secret. As for my present hurry, the occasion of it is this: the right honourable Madame de la Coquette having an inclination to a suit, of some fashion never before invented, was thrown into a violent fever, through the dulness of the mantua-makers, who could devise no cut suitable to her ladyship's desire. Finding her life to be in danger unless she was gratified, I was last night dispatched to Hell to procure a new pattern from the best artists there; and having got it, I was going post to France, to assist my lady's mantua-maker in cutting and finishing it: which done, I suppose I shall have a trip to London, to accommodate the countess of Prudeland with a suit against the next court-day.

AVAR. What! the courtly Fastosus become mantua-maker! I should never have thought of such an employment, for my part. You have now descended low indeed, uncle!

FASг. Indeed, Avaro, your ignorance almost provokes me to be angry with you. But you need not be so much surprised at my concerns with the mantua-makers; for I assure you, that I am so much admired for my skill in dress, by both sexes of the human race, that there is scarcely a suit of cloaths made either

find a

you

for man or woman, without my direction. Nor shall peruke-maker hardy enough to venture a wig on the block, ere he has had my opinion of it. In short, cousin, there is very little done, and in dress there is nothing done, in high life or low, but I have a hand in it.

AVAR. If I have offended, my honoured uncle, I humbly beg your pardon; I assure you, I said nothing out of disrespect to you: we all know that your spirit is princely, your monarchy great, and your dominion very extensive. But indeed I never thought of your being conversant with taylors, barbers, and manLua-makers.

FAST. Nay, nephew, I am not angry. Nevertheless, you ought to revere me as your elder and better, and not take upon you to call in question the truth of what I say. As for the barbers, they are a set of transformists established wholly by my dexterity; and but for my sovereignty over man, these transformations had never been introduced. Now the transforming trade goes on so successfully, that there is reason to hope very many will be at last transformed into the likeness and nature of cur sable fraternity.

AVAR. Pray, uncle, be not angry with me, if I don't speak altogether as you would have me, for you know I never had any inclination to learning or politeness; and I cannot help expressing my wonder at some things you say. Besides, I am amazed to see you look so thin; why you look like a skeleton! What have you been doing, or where have you been? By your looks, you might have travelled bare-footed to the Holy Land, or crept on your hands and feet to Medina, and wept forty days by the tomb of our dear friend Mahomet. You have not been on pilgrimage,

sure!

FAST. I thought, from what I had said, you might have known that I have not been on pilgrimage very lately: though I assure you, I have often travelled to Jerusalem and to Mecca as a guide to those holy pilgrims. There is not one of all the bare-legged travellers who will stir their foot from home, till their good friend Fastosus is equipped in palmerian habiliments, to press forward. in the van as their protector. Nor are these pilgrims my only vassals, for the superstitious of all denominations have with one consent devoted themselves to me.

AVAR. Well but, uncle, I am sure they worship me with sincere regard, as well as they do you; and I either attend them ir person, or pour my influences upon every one of them, in all their jeligious journeys to Jerusalem, Mecca, or elsewhere.

FAST. It may be so, Avaro; but their prostitution to covetousness hinders not their devotion to pride: for I have conducted many of this fraternity to the supposed sepulchre of Jesus of Nazareth, who in their own opinion were made so holy thereby, that when they returned to their native country, they thought the

earth itself unworthy to bear the pressure of a foot, which had trod the threshold of the adored sepulchre. These religious adventurers (especially if they obtain some precious relics, of which there are great store in Palestine) generally lift them so far above their fellow creatures, that thenceforward they can hold no intercourse with the common people, lest their supposed spotless garments should be polluted with worldly filthiness. Nor is it uncommon for these fantastical devotees to imagine, that by their journies to Judea they have gained considerably above the price of heaven. So that when they come to die, they have holiness sufficient for themselves, and a handsome legacy to bequeath, as an help-out to some poor brother who loves home better than the Holy Land.

AVAR. Ay, Fastosus, but then you may thank my brother Faiax and me for your Jerusalem journies: none of them would have been instituted but through falsehood, deceit, and covetousness. And I really think that we did excellent service to the great Belzebub and the sublime port of Hell, in imposing that cheat upon mankind. Though by the way, one would wonder that the reasonable mind should be so easily deceived, seeing there is nothing in any of these pilgrimages that has so much as the appearance of religion.

Often have I laughed in my sleeve, to see the foolish pilgrims, with holy awe and profound reverence, approach a log of rotten wood, fully believing it to be part of the cross on which Immanuel was crucified. Oh! how have I seen them congratulate themselves on their supposed happiness, if by any means they had procured a diminutive chip of an old gate post, from the hand of a venerable priest, with his holy word upon it, that it was part of the cross! And to speak the truth, which you know I am not very fond of, these reverend gentlemen have words and wood equally plenty; for when one log is sold off, they immediately replace it with another; so that this market will not stop for want of merchandize whilst there is a tree left in the forest of Lebanon. I would not on any account, that the world should know that traffic in relics is all a cheat, by the help whereof my dear children the Jerusalem priests get more money for chips of rotten wood, than the greatest merchant in Norway gets for his masts, and yards, &c.

FAST. By what you say, and I own it to be right, cousin, you and I must share the persons and divide the spoil betwixt us on the day of reckoning. You and cousin Falax have laid the snare very craftily, and I, by my haughty influences, drive the fools to it. Good Avaro, your game would not go well without my as sistance; and while you and I continue to play into each others hand, we can readily bring the two fools to meet, each deceiving and being deceived. I mean, we can bring the covetous fool and the credulous fool together. The credulous deceives the covetous

fool with his money, and the covetous deceives the credulous fool with his rotten wood. Dear Avaro, our work goes forward apace, and we shall have them both at last.

AVAR. No doubt of it, Fastosus; for both the covetous and over credulous are ours by common consent. Our game could not well go better than it doth at present, for all ranks and degrees of people are subjected to our potent sway. No doubt but you have heard of that noble piece of architecture called the Triple Crown, which I and my brother Falax made for our very worthy friend and stedfast ally the POPE of Rome.

FAST. Heard of it! surely I have; was not I the principal person concerned in the work? But, Avaro, you have an ugly way of denying people the due honours of their labour. But for me, his Holiness would never have thought of such an invention. And as I had the principal hand in it, I aver, that the best mathematician in hell could not have invented a more excellent piece. I have thought, ever since, that the artful Falax acted his part with as much dexterity in the formation of that capital ornament, as when he and we assisted our venerable friend, Mahomet in composing the Alcoran. But the chief beauty of it was, to see our hoary friend the pope, with greater confidence than if he had been one of ourselves, exalt his papal chair above all that is called God. So that now, in the sense of the Romish impostor, saving and damning depend no longer on the justice and mercy of the Eternal, but upon the will and pleasure of him who fills the infallible chair.

Were we any thing but Devils, whose hatred to Truth is implacable, it would have grieved us to see how she sighed and sobbed, as if her heart would break, when the impostor assumed the character of infallibility. She knocked with violence at the gates of the bishop's palace; but there was no admission for her there. She begged and prayed that the inferior ranks of the reverend clergy would receive her; but not one of them would suffer her to come under their roof; so that the poor heavenborn lady swooned in the streets, and there was none to assist her. Her eyes became as fountains of briny tears, trickling down her radiant cheeks; her locks were dishevelled, and her apparel hung dangling around her. In this mournful plight she went through all the streets of the mystic Babylon, uttering her lamentation in every public place, and in every concourse of the people. But as in former times she had piped to them, and none of the worshippers of the Beast would dance; so now she mourned to them, but none of them would lament. She stretched forth her hands all the day long, but none of them would attend to her; the venerable pope, father of the world, having published a decree, that none of them should suffer her under their ro nor administer the least comfort to her in her calamity, under pain of the Rack, the Gibbet, the Wheel, or Fire and Faggot,

Yea more,---when his Holiness saw the importunity of Divine truth, and perceived that she would be a perpetual thorn in his side, if not timely and wisely prevented by forcing her out of the world, clad himself in Vulcanian armour, sought for her in every corner of Babylon; when he met with her, launched his fatal spear with papal force against her, that wounding her so deeply, she fainted and fell to the ground, and no doubt had died if she had not been immortal. When the most holy bishop had thus deprest her, he cried out in devilish triumph, " I am the successor of Peter---The vicar of Christ---The pillar of Truth,--The porter of heaven---and the supreme head of the church." At which words, Truth entirely disappeared, and to this day has not been suffered to set one foot within the limits of the papacy.

AVAR. It was a noble enterprise; nothing could exceed it. I am persuaded, that the man who was in-dwelt by our brother Legion, and resided among the tombs, was never capable of coming so near to us Devils in cruelty, deceit, and falsehood, as that same venerable man, his infallible holiness, hath upon every

occasion.

FAST. Indeed, Avaro, Legion, though a many-viced devil, is but a fool when compared to his Holiness; but it is highly necessary that he should be well qualified in devilism, seeing he is appointed Belzebub's great vicegerent in the Christian world.

AVAR. Great are the abilities requisite to such a station; and his holiness possesseth them liberally. Did you ever hear, Fastosus, the manner in which our Italian success was received by Belzebub the great, and his infernal nobility?

FAST. I suppose I have; but I have so many things to think of, that at present it has escaped my memory therefore if you remember it, I shall be obliged to you for the recital.

AVAR. With all my heart; I assure you it is well worth your hearing, for thereby it appeared that his infernal majesty had the deepest sense of our services, and conceived the strongest hope of the increase of his kingdom from the alliance formed betwixt the sublime Port of Hell, and the apostolic chair at Rome.

As soon as swift-winged Fame arrived at the gate, known by the name of Earth-Gate, she knocked violently, as you know is customary with her upon any emergent occasion; our friend Cerberus, the porter, no sooner saw that it was Fame, but he immediately sent a messenger to court, to inform his majesty and peers, that the ambassadress Fame was arrived. In shorter time than a lawyer could frame a lie, Hell was all in an uproar, every inhabitant being big with expectation of some important news from our friends on earth. Fifty of the nobility were dispatched from court, to congratulate Fame on her arrival, and to conduct her in state to the court-end of the city. The mighty Belzebub ascended the flaming throne, to receive the ambassadress with imperial grandeur; and as soon as arrived, she was introC

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