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June 27. It is now almost five years since my mind became seriously impressed with eternal realities. What have I learned, in these five years, of myself? and what of God? Weep, oh my soul, for past transgressions and present unfruitfulness.
Extracts from Letters and Journal continued, from her engagement to Mr. Newell, until the close of her eighteenth year.
To Miss C. F. of Boston.
Haverhill, June 29, 1811. "I THANK you, dear C., for your affectionate letter. The kind interest you have of late taken in my happiness, has greatly endeared you to my heart. May you never want a friend to sympathize with you, "when adverse fortune frowns," or to rejoice with you, when "life's vale is strewed with flowers fresh." If the remaining days of my short pilgrimage are to be spent in sorrow, oh that heaven would grant C. peace and happiness, and a sure pledge of joys to come. Where my future lot may be cast, time only can determine. If I can but maintain a firm and unshaken confidence in God, a humble reliance on his blessed promises, I shall be safe, though temporal comforts languish and
die. I am now calculating upon a life of trials and hardships: but the grace of Jesus is sufficient for me. The friend of sinners is able and willing to support me amid scenes of danger and distress.
When I bade you a parting adieu, my mind was in a state of agitation which I can never express. Dejected and weary, I arrived at the dear mansion where I have spent so many happy hours. My dear Mama met me at the door with a countenance that bespoke the tranquillity of her mind. The storm of opposition, as she observed, had blown over, and she was brought to say from the heart, "thy will be done." Yes, C. she had committed her child to God's parental care; and though her affection was not lessened, yet, with tears in her eyes, she said, "If a conviction of duty, and love to the souls of the perishing heathen, lead you to India, as much as I love you, Harriet, I can only say, Go."-Here I was left to decide the all-important question. Many were the conflicts within my breast. But, at length, from a firm persuasion of duty, and a willingness to comply, after much examination and prayer, I answered in the affirmative.
I wish to tell you all the motives that have actuated me to come to this determination; likewise, how all the difficulties, which applied to me particu. larly, have been removed. But this I cannot do
until I see you. Why cannot you make it convenient to spend three or four weeks with me this summer? To assure you it would afford me happiness, would be but what you already know. Write to me, C. next week if possible. Let me know when I may expect you, and I will be at home. Perhaps we may go and spend a day or two with our friends in N. I am very lonely. Nancy Hasseltine has been visiting at S. ever since I returned from Charlestown. Mr. Newell has gone to Philadelphia, where he expects to continue until a short time before he quits his native country. He is engaged in the study of medicine, together with Mr. HARRIET." Hall.
To Mr. Newell, then in Philadelphia.
-"WITH respect to the mission, my mind has never been so solemnly impressed as since you left Various indeed have been my feelings. I fear I have not thought enough of the most important qualification of all, viz. a heart wholly devoted to God. Sometimes, when reflecting on this subject, I think I shall welcome the day, which will land me on India's shores, that I may have an opportunity of telling those dear benighted females, what I have felt of a Saviour's love, and of the worth of his blessed gospel. At other times, a sense of the dangers and hazards of a missionary
life quite depresses my spirits, and deprives me of every enjoyment. Is it a delusion, or do I really feel willing to sacrifice the pleasures and comforts of life, which I might enjoy in my native country, and unite with the few dear brethren and sisters, in using my feeble efforts to christianize the heathen?
I think upon the whole that I am decided. I have never met with so much encouragement as of late. I have conversed freely with a number of christian ministers, who unanimously say, 'go, and may the blessed Saviour go with you.' But I cannot bear the idea that my going should be attended with so many anxieties on your part. Unless I have a hope of rendering Mr. Newell in some degree happy by sympathizing with him in trouble, mitigating some pain, or lightening some heavy burden, I ought not to go. If I should only be an additional care, a heavy incumbrance, without af fording him any assistance in the arduous undertaking, the case ought to have been decided in the negative long ere this. Will you promise me you will overcome these feelings, which I have so often heard you express. I have friends-what cause for gratitude that I have them to leave. I have a pleasant home-this likewise calls for gratitude-but the presence of the great Jehovah would make even a mud-walled cottage desirable. You fear I shall lose my courage and look back with longing de
sires toward America-this I likewise fear; but that God who has said that his grace is sufficient for his children, will, if I sincerely desire it, grant me new resolution and strength to persevere. From God is all my aid. Oh pray for me, that I may possess those qualifications which are requisite.
August 1. "I think of the days of other years, and am sad." But God is unchangeably the same. Blessed be his holy name, he has not given me up to hardness of heart, but is often, at seasons, worthy of grateful remembrance, making me to feel the importance of living a holy life, and of promoting the glory of his cause in the world.
August 4. Communion day. Stupid and insensible while I professedly commemorated the dying love of my covenant Redeemer.
"I hear, but seem to hear in vain,
If aught is felt 'tis only pain
When shall I enjoy the visits of a Saviour's love, in his sanctuary and at his table! Time was, when the ordinances of the gospel were refreshing to my soul. I sat at his table, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. Why this change in my feelings? Is not God as willing and as able to delight my soul in his house of prayer, as when light first dawned