been impossible for the authors of this farce filled by the rest of the faculty, who followed | from the landlord and the colonel's valet, This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity; every man turned his face, as if it were by instinct, towards the door; and the retreat of the community being obstructed by the efforts of individuals, confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued: for the colonel, far from limiting his prowess to the first exploit, handled his weapon with astonishing vigour and dexterity, without respect of persons; so that few or none of them had escaped without marks of his displeasure, when his spirits failed, and he sunk down again quite exhausted on his bed. Favoured by this respite, the discomfited faculty collected their hats and wigs, which had fallen off in the fray; and perceiving the assailant too much enfeebled to renew the attack, set up their throats together, and loudly threatened to prosecute him severely for such an outrageous assault. By this time the landlord had interposed; and inquiring into the cause of the disturbance, was informed of what had happened by the complainants, who, at the same time, giving him to understand that they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel that morning, he assured them, that they had been imposed upon by some wag, for his lodger had never dreamed of consult ing any one of their profession. CHAPTER LXXI. Peregrine humbles a noted Hector, and AMONG those who never failed to reside at With this son of fortune was Peregrine Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour instantaneously ceased; and each, in particular, at once comprehending the nature of the joke, they sneaked silently Our young gentleman treasured up this off with the loss they had sustained, in un- advice; and though he did not scruple to utterable shame and mortification, while Pe- give the gamester an opportunity of retrievregrine and his friend, who took care to be ing his loss, when he next day demanded his passing that way by accident, made a full revenge, he absolutely refused to proceed, stop at sight of such an extraordinary efflux, after he had refunded his winning. The and enjoyed the countenance and condition other, who considered him as a hot-headed of every one as he appeared; nay, even unthinking youth, endeavoured to inflame his made up to some of those who seemed most pride to a continuance of the game, by treataffected with their situation, and mischiev- ing his skill with scorn and contempt; and, ously tormented them with questions touch- among other sarcastic expressions, advised ing this unusual congregation; then, in con- him to go to school again, before he pretendsequence of the information they receiveded to engage with masters of the art. Our hero, incensed at his arrogance, replied, with great warmth, that he knew himself sufficiently qualified for playing with men of honour, who deal upon the square, and hoped he should always deem it infamous either to learn or practice the tricks of a professed gamester. "Blood and thunder! meaning me, Sir?" (cried this artist, raising his voice, and curling his visage into a most intimidating frown). "Zounds! I'll cut the throat of any scoundrel who has the presumption to suppose that I don't play as honourably as e'er a nobleman in the kingdom: and I insist upon an explanation from you, Sir; or, by hell and brimstone! I shall expect other sort of satisfaction." Peregrine (whose blood by this time boiled within him) answered without hesitation, "Far from thinking your demand unreasonable, I will immediately explain myself without reserve, and tell you, that, upon unquestionable authority, I believe you to be an impudent rascal, and common cheat." The Hector was so amazed and confounded at the freedom of this declaration, which he thought no man on earth would venture to make in his presence, that, for some minutes, he could not recollect himself; but at length whispered a challenge in the ear of our hero, which was accordingly accepted. When they arrived next morning upon the field, the gamester, arming his countenance with all its terrors, advanced with a sword of a monstrous length, and putting himself in a posture, called aloud, in a most terrific voice, "Draw, damn ye, draw; I will this instant send you to your fathers." The youth was not slow in complying with his desire; his weapon was unsheathed in a moment, and he began the attack with such unexpected spirit and address, that his adversary, having made shift, with great dif ficulty, to parry the first pass, retreated a few paces and demanded a parley, in which he endeavoured to persuade the young man, that to lay a man of his character under the necessity of chastising his insolence, was the most rash and inconsiderate step that he could possibly have taken; but that he had compassion upon his youth, and was willing to spare him, if he would surrender his sword, and promise to ask pardon in public for the offence he had given. Pickle was so much exasperated at this unparalleled effrontery, that, without deigning to make the least reply, he flung his own hat in the proposer's face, and renewed the charge with such undaunted agility, that the gamester, finding himself in manifest hazard of his life, betook himself to his heels, and fled homewards with incredible speed, being closely pursued by Peregrine, who, having sheathed his sword, pelted him with stones as he ran, and compelled him to go, that same day, into banishment from Bath, where he had domineered so long. By this achievement, which was the subject of astonishment to all the company, who had looked upon the fugitive as a person of heroic courage, our adventurer's reputation was rendered formidable in all its circumstances; although he thereby disobliged a good many people of fashion, who had contracted an intimacy of friendship with the exile, and who resented his disgrace, as if it had been the misfortune of a worthy man. These generous patrons, however, bore a very small proportion to those who were pleased with the event of the duel; because, in the course of their residence in Bath, they had either been insulted or defrauded by the challenger. Nor was this instance of our hero's courage unacceptable to the ladies, few of whom could now resist the united force of such accomplishments. Indeed, neither he nor his friend Godfrey would have found much difficulty in picking up an agreeable companion for life; but Gauntlet's heart was pre-engaged to Sophy; and Pickle, exclusive of his attachment to Emily, which was stronger than he himself imagined, possessed such a share of ambition as could not be satisfied with the conquest of any female he beheld at Bath. His visits were therefore promiscuous, without any other view than that of amusement; and though his pride was flattered by the advances of the fair, whom he had captivated, he never harboured one thought of proceeding beyond the limits of common gallantry, and carefully avoided all particular explanations. But what, above all other enjoyments, yielded him the most agreeable entertainment, was the secret history of characters, which he learned from a very extraordinary person, with whom he became acquainted in this manner. Being at the house of a certain lady, on a visiting day, he was struck with the appearance of an old man, who no sooner entered the room than the mistress of the house very kindly desired one of the wits present to roast the old put. This petitmaitre, proud of the employment, went up to the senior, who had something extremely peculiar and significant in his countenance, and saluting him with divers fashionable congees, accosted him in these words: "Your servant, you old rascal. I hope to have the honour of seeing you hang'd. I vow to Gad! you look extremely shocking with these gummy eyes, lanthorn jaws, and toothless chaps. What! you squint at the ladies, you old rotten medlar? Yes, yes, we understand your ogling; but you must content yourself with a cook-maid, sink me! I see you want to sit. These withered shanks of yours tremble under their burden; but you must have a little patience, old Hirco; indeed you must; I intend to mortify you a little longer, curse me." The company was so tickled with this address, which was delivered with much | who, by means of an artificial alphabet, grimace and gesticulation, that they burst formed by a certain conjunction and disout into a loud fit of laughter, which they position of the fingers, asked if he had heard fathered upon a monkey that was chained in any extraordinary news of late. Cadwalthe room; and when the peal was over, the lader, with his usual complaisance, replied, wit renewed his attack in these words: "I that he supposed she took him for a courier suppose you are fool enough to think this or spy, by teazing him eternally with that mirth was occasioned by pug: ay, there he question. He then expatiated upon the is; you had best survey him; he is of your foolish curiosity of mankind, which, he said, own family, switch me; but the laugh was must either proceed from idleness or want of at your expense and you ought to thank ideas; and repeated almost verbatim the Heaven for making you so ridiculous." officer's information; a vague ridiculous reWhile he uttered these ingenious ejacu- port invented by some ignorant coxcomb, lations, the old gentleman bowed alternately who wanted to give himself airs of imto him and the monkey, that seemed to grin portance, and believed only by those who and chatter in imitation of the beau, and, were utterly unacquainted with the politics with an arch solemnity of visage, pro- and strength of the French nation. nounced," Gentlemen, as I have not the honour to understand your compliments, they will be much better bestowed on each other." So saying, he seated himself, and had the satisfaction to see the laugh returned upon the aggressor, who remained confounded and abashed, and in a few minutes left the room, muttering, as he retired, "the old fellow grows scurrilous, stap my breath." While Peregrine wondered in silence at this extraordinary scene, the lady of the house, perceiving his surprise, gave him to understand, that the ancient visitant was utterly bereft of the sense of hearing; that his name was Cadwallader Crabtree; his disposition altogether misanthropical; and that he was admitted into company on account of the entertainment he afforded by his sarcastic observations, and the pleasant mistakes to which he was subject from his infirmity. Nor did our hero wait a long time for an illustration of this odd character. Every sentence he spoke was replete with gall; nor did his satire consist in general reflections, but in a series of remarks, which had been made through the medium of a most whimsical peculiarity of opinion. Among those who were present at this assembly was a young officer, who having, by dint of interest, obtained a seat in the lower house, thought it incumbent upon him to talk of affairs of state; and accordingly regaled the company with an account of a secret expedition which the French were busied in preparing; assuring them, that he had it from the mouth of the minister, to whom it had been transmitted by one of his agents abroad. In descanting upon the particulars of the armament, he observed, that they had twenty ships of the line ready manned and victualled at Brest, which were destined for Toulon, where they would be joined by as many more: and from thence proceed to the execution of their scheme, which he imparted as a secret not fit to be divulged. This piece of intelligence being communicated to all the company except Mr Crabtree, who suffered by his loss of hearing, that cynic was soon after accosted by a lady, In confirmation of what he had advanced, he endeavoured to demonstrate how impossible it must be for that people to fit out even the third part of such a navy, so soon after the losses they had sustained during the war; and confirmed his proof by asserting, that, to his certain knowledge, the harbours of Brest and Toulon could not at that time produce a squadron of eight ships of the line. The member, who was an utter stranger to this misanthrope, hearing his own asseverations treated with such contempt, glowed with confusion and resentment, and, raising his voice, began to defend his own veracity with great eagerness and trepidation, mingling with his arguments many blustering invectives against the insolence and ill manners of his supposed contradictor, who sat with the most mortifying composure of countenance, till the officer's patience was quite exhausted; and then, to the manifest increase of his vexation, he was informed, that his antagonist was so deaf, that, in all proba bility, the last trumpet would make no impression upon him, without a previous renovation of his organs. CHAPTER LXXII. He cultivates an acquaintance with the misanthrope, who favours him with a short sketch of his own history. PEREGRINE was extremely well pleased with this occasional rebuke, which occurred so seasonably, that he could scarce believe it accidental. He looked upon Cadwallader as the greatest curiosity he had ever known, and cultivated the old man's acquaintance with such insinuating address, that in less than a fortnight he obtained his confidence. As they one day walked into the fields together, the man-hater disclosed himself in these words. "Though the term of our communication has been but short, you must have perceived that I treat you with uncommon marks of regard; which, I assure you, is not owing to your personal accomplishments, nor "I was born about forty miles from this place, of parents who, having a very old family name to support, bestowed their whole fortune on my elder brother; so that I inherited of my father little else than a large share of choler, to which I am indebted for a great many adventures, that did not always end to my satisfaction. At the age of eighteen, I was sent up to town, with a recommendation to a certain peer, who found means to amuse me with the promise of a commission for seven whole years; and 'tis odds but I should have made my fortune by my perseverance, had not I been arrested, and thrown into the Marshalsea by my landlord, on whose credit I had subsisted three years, after my father had pronounced me an idle vagabond: there I remained six months, among those prisoners who have no other support than chance charity; and contracted a very valuable acquaintance, which was of great service to me in the future emergencies of my life. the pains you take to oblige me; for the first | youth and desperation, durst execute a writ I overlook, and the last I see through: but upon me without a dozen of followers; and there is something in your disposition which the justices themselves trembled when I was indicates a rooted contempt for the world, brought before them. I was once maimed by and I understand you have made some suc- a carman, with whom I quarrelled, because cessful efforts in exposing one part of it to he ridiculed my leek on St David's day; my the ridicule of the other. It is upon this as- skull was fractured by a butcher's cleaver on surance that I offer you my advice and assist- the like occasion. I have been run through ance, in prosecuting other schemes of the the body five times, and lost the tip of my same nature; and to convince you that such left ear by a pistol bullet. In a rencounter an ailiance is not to be rejected, I will now of this kind, having left my antagonist for give you a short sketch of my history, which dead, I was wise enough to make my retreat will be published after my death, in forty- into France; and a few days after my arriseven volumes of my own compiling. val at Paris, entering into conversation with some officers on the subject of politics, a dispute arose, in which I lost my temper, and spoke so irreverently of the Grand Monarque, that next morning I was sent to the bastile, by virtue of a lettre de cachet. There I remained for some months, deprived of all intercourse with rational creatures; a circumstance for which I was not sorry, as I had the more time to project schemes of revenge against the tyrant who confined me, and the wretch who had betrayed my private conversation: but tired, at length, with these fruitless suggestions, I was fain to unbend the severity of my thoughts, by a correspondence with some industrious spiders, who had hung my dungeon with their ingenious labours. I considered their work with such attention, that I soon became an adept in the mystery of weaving, and furnished myself with as many useful observations and reflections on that art, as will compose a very curious treatise, which I intend to bequeath to "I was no sooner discharged, in conse- the Royal Society, for the benefit of our quence of an act of parliament for the relief woollen manufacture; and this with a view of insolvent debtors, than I went to the house to perpetuate my own name, rather than beof my creditor, whom I cudgelled without friend my country; for, thank heaven! I am mercy; and, that I might leave nothing un- weaned from all attachments of that kind, done of those things which I ought to have and look upon myself as one very little done, my next stage was to Westminster- obliged to any society whatsoever. Although hall, where I waited until my patron came I presided with absolute power over this longforth from the house, and saluted him with a legged community, and distributed rewards blow that laid him senseless on the pavement: and punishments to each, according to his but my retreat was not so fortunate as I could deserts, I grew impatient of my situation; have wished: the chairmen and lacqueys in and my natural disposition one day prevailwaiting having surrounded and disarmed me ing, like a fire which had long been smotherin a trice, I was committed to Newgate, and ed, I wreaked the fury of my indignation loaded with chains; and a very sagacious upon my innocent subjects, and in a twinkgentleman, who was afterwards hanged, hav-ling destroyed the whole race. While I was ing sat in judgment upon my case, pronounced employed in this general massacre, the turnme guilty of a capital crime, and foretold my key, who brought me food, opened the door, condemnation at the Old Bailey. His prog- and perceiving my transport, shrugged up nostic, however, was disappointed; for no- his shoulders, and leaving my allowance, body appearing to prosecute me at the next went out, pronouncing, le pauvre diable! la sessions I was discharged by order of the tete lui tourne. My passion no sooner subcourt. It would be impossible for me to re-sided, than I resolved to profit by this opicount, in the compass of one day's conversation, all the particular exploits of which I bore considerable share: suffice it to say, I have been, at different times, prisoner in all the jails within the bills of mortality; I have broke from every round-house on this side Temple-bar. No bailiff, in the days of my nion of the jailor, and from that day counterfeited lunacy with such success, that in less than three months I was delivered from the bastile, and sent to the galleys, in which they thought my bodily vigour might be of service, although the faculties of my mind were decayed. Before I was chained to the oar, I received three hundred stripes by way | tention to revenge myself upon the Spaof welcome, that I might thereby be rendered niards for the severities I had undergone dumore tractable, notwithstanding I used all ring my captivity. the arguments in my power to persuade them I was only mad north-north-west, and, when the wind was southerly, knew a hawk from an hand-saw. "In our second cruise, we had the good fortune to be overtaken by a tempest, during which the slaves were unbound, that they might contribute the more to the preservation of the galley, and have a chance for their lives, in case of shipwreck. We were no sooner at liberty, than, making ourselves masters of the vessel, we robbed the officers, and ran her on shore among rocks on the coast of Portugal; from whence I hastened to Lisbon, with a view of obtaining my passage in some ship bound for England, where, by this time, I hoped my affair was forgotten. "But, before this scheme could be accomplished, my evil genius led me into company; and, being intoxicated, I began to broach doctrines on the subject of religion, at which some of the party were scandalized and incensed; and I was next day dragged out of bed by the officers of the inquisition, and conveyed to a cell in the prison belonging to that tribunal. Having therefore effectually disguised myself by a change of dress, and a large patch on one eye, I hired an equipage, and appeared at Bologna in quality of an itinerant physician, in which capacity I succeeded tolerably well, till my servants decamped in the night with my baggage, and left me in the condition of Adam. In short, I have travelled over the greatest part of Europe as a beggar, pilgrim, priest, soldier, gamester, and quack; and felt the extremes of indigence and opulence, with the inclemency of weather, in all its vicissitudes. I have learned, that the characters of mankind are everywhere the same; that. common sense and honesty bear an infinitely small proportion to folly and vice; and that life is at best a paltry province. "After having suffered innumerable hardships, dangers, and disgraces, I returned to London, where I lived some years in a garret, and picked up a subsistence, such as it was, by vending purges in the streets, from the back of a pied horse; in which situation I used to harangue the mob in broken English, under pretence of being an High German doctor. "At last an uncle died, by whom I inherit an estate of three hundred pounds per annum, though, in his lifetime, he would not have parted with a sixpence to save my soul and body from perdition. "At my first examination, my resentment was strong enough to support me under the torture, which I endured without flinching; but my resolution abated, and my zeal immediately cooled, when I understood from a fellow-prisoner, who groaned on the other side of the partition, that in a short time I now appear in the world, not as a memthere would be an auto de fe, in consequence ber of any community, or what is called a of which I should, in all probability, be doom-social creature, but merely as a spectator, ed to the flames, if I would not renounce my heretical errors, and submit to such penance as the church should think fit to prescribe. This miserable wretch was convicted of Judaism, which he had privately practised by connivance for many years, until he had amassed a fortune sufficient to attract the regard of the church. To this he fell a sacrifice, and accordingly prepared himself for the stake; while I, not at all ambitious of the crown of martyrdom, resolved to temporise so that, when I was brought to the question the second time, I made a solemn recantation. As I had no worldly fortune to obstruct my salvation, I was received into the bosom of the church, and, by way of penance, enjoined to walk barefoot to Rome in the habit of a pilgrim. "During my peregrination through Spain, I was detained as a spy, until I could procure credentials from the inquisition at Lisbon; and behaved with such resolution and reserve, that, after being released, I was deemed a proper person to be employed in quality of a secret intelligencer at a certain court. This office I undertook without hesitation; and, being furnished with money and bills of credit, crossed the Pyrennees, with inᏃ who entertains himself with the grimaces of a jack-pudding, and banquets his spleen in beholding his enemies at loggerheads. That I may enjoy this disposition, abstracted from all interruption, danger, and participation, I feign myself deaf; an expedient by which I not only avoid all disputes, and their consequences, but also become master of a thousand little secrets, which are every day whispered in my presence, without any suspicion of their being overheard. You saw how I handled that shallow politician at my lady Plausible's the other day. The same method I practised upon the crazed tory, the bigot whig, the sour supercilious pedant, the petulant critic, the blustering coward, the fawning tool, the pert pimp, sly sharper, and every other species of knaves and fools, with which this kingdom abounds. 66 In consequence of my rank and character, I obtain free admission to the ladies, among whom I have acquired the appellation of the Scandalous Chronicle. As I am considered (while silent) in no other light than that of a foot-stool or elbow chair, they divest their conversation of all restraint before me, and gratify my sense of hearing with strange things, which (if I could prevail upon myself |