and so, in my turn, I treat 'em with such a display of my local maladies, and then work up for 'em such lively and picturesque descriptions of the wonderful powers of my medicines, seasoned with such dainty illustrations of the smack they leave upon the palate in going down, that I make 'em lay down their knives and forks in a greater hurry than they took them up.

Sen. Why I must confess that, whatever other objections may lie against your mode of revenge, it has both safety and justice on its side-But I have other woes to tell :

79. (S.)

Walking in a wind that cuts to the bone, with a narrative companion, whose mind and body cannot move at the same time; or, in other words, who, as he gets on with his stories, thinks it necessary, at every other sentence, to stand stock still, face about, and make you do the same; then, totally regardless of your shivering impatience to push on, refuses to stir an inch, till the whole of his endless thread is fairly wound out :

"Dixit, et adversi contra stetit ora.”

Tes. "Juvenci ;"-pray don't leave out that word; for what a calf must you be to stand still for him! if you'd move on, depend on't he'd follow:-such a fellow, with all his love of a dead halt, would rather tell his stories at full speed, than let you escape them, take my word for it.

80. (S.)

After a long and animated debate with a friend, in the dark, and just as you have drawn forth all your strongest arguments, and are beginning exultingly to infer from his long silence, that you have completely worsted him, and that he has not another word to say-receiving his answer in a strong, steady snore, which shews him to have been in a sweet sleep for the last quarter of an hour!

81. (S.)

In a ball-room-after long sitting, in profound meditation, on the extreme edge of a form, with only one other person at the farther end, to be suddenly recalled from your absence by finding that you are amusing the company with an involuntary somerset, brought on by the abrupt departure of your Counterpoise;-the bench (which had remain

ed perfectly gentle, as long as it carried double) seizing the opportunity of throwing its astonished rider, without further ceremony, by furiously rearing at one end, and plunging at the other.

82. (S.)

Being called in as an umpire in a matrimonial quarrel

Tes. Hey day!

" quæ mens tam dira, misserrime conjux, Impulit his cingi telis? aut quò ruis?" inquam: "Non tali auxilio, nec defensoribus istis

Tempus eget!"

VIRG.

Sen. Mr Testy, I agree with you in your dislike of being interrupted :—I must begin again

(S.)

Being called in as an umpire in a matrimonial quarrel-which leaves you the choice of splitting on one of the six following rocks :—viz.

1. That of remaining silent-(for which both parties hate you; each supposing that you secretly favour the other.)

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2. That of pronouncing that both are in the wrong— (for which you are, obviously, hated by both.) 3. That of insinuating that both may be in the right— (hated, again, on both sides; each being more enraged at your contre, than grateful for your pour.)

4. That of defending the lady at the expense of the gentleman―(still hated by both;-by her, for attacking her caro sposo, whom she will suffer no one to despise but herself;-by him, for siding with the enemy.)

5. That of defending the gentleman at the expense of the lady (this case is, inversely, the same with the last.)

6. That of endeavouring to make peace, by treating the matter "en badinage "-(for which both are far too much in earnest, as well as far too eager for victory, not to hate you most of all.) -The best course, perhaps, if you cannot steal is to be taken with a sudden and away, violent fit of the tooth-ache, which may last ad libitum.

Tes. Your concluding Misery takes in two parties, and should be divided between us;

one moiety for you as a Bachelor, and the other for me as a Benedict.-Well, but what subject comes next? for I must hurry into the library, to meet a confounded fellow, who

Sen. Thank you for the hint, Sir; the Library itself shall find us a subject: let us try whether literary enjoyments ought to rank at all higher than any of the preceding. I must inform you that, during the intervals between my late delightful visits, I have generally fled for refuge to the book, or the pen; and if you have been at all in the practice of depending upon the same supports, and found them as miserably fallacious as I have, we shall have no difficulty in lengthening the list of our Groans, from this source.

Tes. None:-I never, yet, took up a book that I did not, in five minutes afterwards, fling to the other end of the room; nor a pen that I did not split up to the feather against the table, before I had scrawled two lines with it.-Books, and Pens, then, by all means, for our next theme; I defy the good old dame who vented her spite against reading and