be one of the sins I could never overcome. So I went but still 5. "I was now beat out of all my strong-holds. I felt my helplessness, and lay at the feet of Christ. I cried, though coldly, yet I believe sincerely, 'Save me, Lord, as a brand snatched out of the fire; give me justifying faith in thy blood; cleanse me from my sins; for the devil will surely reign over me, until thou shalt take me into thy hand. I shall only be an instrument in his hand to work wickedness, until thou shalt stretch forth thine almighty arm, and save thy lost creature by free, unmerited grace.' I seldom went to private prayer, but this thought came into my mind,—This may be the happy hour when thou wilt prevail with God:' but still I was disappointed. I cried to God; but my heart was so hard, that I feared it did not go with my lips. I strove; but it was so coldly, that often I had fits of drowsiness, even in my prayers. When overcome with heaviness, I went to bed, beseeching God to spare me till next day, that I might renew my wrestling with him till I should prevail. 6. "On Sunday, the 19th, in the evening, I heard an excellent sermon on these words,—' Being justified by faith, we have peace with God, through our Lord Jesus Christ.' I heard it attentively, but my heart was not moved in the least: I was only still more convinced that I was an unbeliever, that I was not justified by faith, and that till I was, I should never have peace with God. The hymn after the sermon suited the subject; but I could not join in singing it; so I sat mourning, whilst others rejoiced in God their Saviour. I went home, still resolving to wrestle with the Lord, like Jacob, till I should become a prevailing Israel. for "I begged of God, the following day, to show me the wickedness of my heart, and to fit me for his pardoning mercy. I besought him to increase my convictions; I was afraid I did not mourn enough for my sins. But I found relief in Mr. Wesley's Journal, where I learned that we should not build on what we feel, but go to Christ with all our sins and all our hardness of heart. On the 21st I began to write part of what filled my heart, namely, a confession of my sins, misery, and 66 helplessness, together with a resolution to seek Christ, even unto death. But my business calling me away, I had no heart to resume the subject. In the evening, I read the Scriptures, and found a sort of pleasure in seeing a picture of my wickedness so exactly drawn in the third chapter of the Epistle to the Romans, and that of my condition in the seventh. And now I felt some hope, that God would carry on in me the work he had begun. I often wished to be acquainted with some one who had been just in my state, and resolved to seek for one to whom I might unbosom my whole soul, and apply for advice. As I had heard that mourners sometimes found comfort in reading over any particular text of Scripture they opened upon, I opened the Bible once for that purpose; but I found nothing that gave me comfort, and so I did it no more, for fear of tempting God. 7. Thursday, my fast-day, Satan beset me hard: I sinned, and grievously too. And now I almost gave up all hope. I mourned deeply, but with a heart as hard as ever. I was on the brink of despair, and continued nevertheless to fall into sin, as often as I was assaulted with temptation. But I must observe, that all this while, though I had a clear sense of my wickedness, and of what I deserved; and though I often thought that hell would be my portion, if God did not soon pity me, yet I never was much afraid of it. Whether this was owing to a secret hope lodged in my mind, or to hardness of heart, I know not; but I was continually crying out, 'What stupidity! I see myself hanging by a thread over hell, and yet I am not afraid, but sin on! O what is man without the grace of God? a very devil in wickedness, though inferior to him in experience and power.' In the evening I went to a friend, and told him something of my present state; he endeavoured to administer comfort, but it did not suit my case: there is no peace to a sinner unless it come from above. When we parted, he gave me some advice which suited my condition better. God,' said he, 'is merciful; God loves you: and if he deny you anything, it is for your good; you deserve nothing at his hands; wait then patiently for him, and never give up your hope.' I went home resolved to follow his advice, though I should stay till death. 8. "I had proposed to receive the Lord's supper the following Sunday; I therefore returned to my room, and looked out a sacramental hymn. I learned it by heart, and prayed it over many times, sometimes with heaviness enough, at others with some devotion, intending to repeat it at the table. I then went to bed, commending myself to God with rather more hope and peace than I had felt for some time. But Satan waked, while I slept. I dreamed I had committed grievous and abominable sins: I awoke amazed and confounded, and rising with a detestation of the corruption of my senses and imagination, I fell upon my knees, and prayed with more faith and less wanderings than usual; and afterwards went about my business with an uncommon cheerfulness. It was not long before I was tempted by my besetting sin, but found myself a new creature. My soul was not even ruffled. I took not much notice of it at first; but having withstood two or three temptations, and feeling peace in my soul, through the whole of them, I began to think it was the Lord's doing. Afterwards it was suggested to me, that it was great presumption for such a sinner to hope for so great a mercy. However, I prayed I might not be permitted. to fall into a delusion; but the more I prayed, the more I saw it was real. For though sin stirred all the day long, I always overcame it in the name of the Lord. 9. "In the evening I read the experiences of some of God's children, and found my case agreed with theirs, and suited the sermon I had heard on justifying faith; so that my hope increased. I entreated the Lord to do to his servant according to his merey, and take all the glory to himself. I prayed earnestly, and with an humble assurance, though without great emotions of joy, that I might have dominion over sin, and peace with God, not doubting but that joy and a full assurance of faith would be imparted to me in God's good time. continued calling upon the Lord for an increase of faith; for still I felt some fear of being in a delusion: and having continued my supplication till near one in the morning, I then opened my Bible on these words, (Ps. Iv. 22,) Cast thy burden on the Lord, and he shall sustain thee; he will not suffer the righteous to be moved.' Filled with joy, I fell again on my knees, to I } beg of God that I might always cast my burden upon him. I took up my Bible again, and opened it on these words, (Deut. xxxi. 8,) I will be with thee, I will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.' My hope was now greatly increased: I thought I saw myself conqueror over sin, hell, and all manner of affliction. "With this comfortable promise I shut up my Bible, being now perfectly satisfied. As I shut it, I cast my eye on that word, 'Whatsoever you shall ask in my name, I will do it.' So having asked grace of God to serve him till death, I went cheerfully to take my rest." 10. So far we have Mr. Fletcher's account, written with his own hand. To this I add what Mrs. Fletcher says she heard him speak concerning his experience at this time; viz., that he still continued to plead with the Lord to take more full possession of his heart, and sought with unwearied assiduity to receive a brighter manifestation of God's love to his soul: till one day, as he was in earnest prayer, lying prostrate on his face before the Lord, he had a view, by faith, of our Saviour hanging and bleeding on the cross; and at the same time, these words were applied with power to his heart:— "Seized by the rage of sinful men, I see Christ bound, and bruised, and slain; His life, to ransom ours, is given; And lo! the fiercest fire of heaven "He suffers both from men and God; Of guilt and misery! He suffers to reverse our doom; Now all his bonds were broken: he breathed a purer air, and was able to say with confidence, "The life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." By means of this faith, his soul was freed, and sin was put under his feet. Knowing in whom he had believed, he could triumph in the Lord, and praise the God of his salvation. 11. About this time Mr. Fletcher addressed an epistle to his brother, in which he gives a further description of the change that had taken place in his own mind, in the following words : "I speak from experience. I have been successively deluded by all those desires, which I here so sincerely reprobate; and sometimes I have been the sport of them all at once. This will appear incredible, except to those who have discovered that the heart of unregenerate man is nothing more than a chaos of obscurity, and a mass of contradictions. If you have any acquaintance with yourself, you will readily subscribe to this description of the human heart: and if you are without this acquaintance, then rest assured, my dear brother, that whatever your pursuit may be, you are as far from true happiness as the most wretched of men. The meteor you are following still flies before you; frequently it disappears, and never shows itself but to allure you to the brink of some unlooked-for precipice. 66 I have Every unconverted man must necessarily come under one or other of the following descriptions: he is either a voluptuary, a worldly-minded person, or a pharisaical philosopher; or, perhaps, like myself, he may be all of these at the same time: and, what is still more extraordinary, he may be so not only without believing, but even without once suspecting it. Indeed, nothing is more common among men, than an entire blindness to their own real characters. How long have I placed my happiness in mere chimeras! How often have I grounded my vain hopes upon imaginary foundations! been constantly employed in framing designs for my own felicity but my disappointments have been as frequent and various as my projects. In the midst of my idle reveries, how often have I said to myself, 'Drag thy weary feet but to the summit of yonder eminence, a situation beyond which the world has nothing to present more adequate to thy wishes, and there thou shalt sit down in a state of repose!' On my arrival, however, at the spot proposed, a sad discovery has taken place :the whole scene has appeared more barren than the valley I had quitted; and the point of happiness, which I lately imagined it possible to have touched with my finger, has presented itself at a greater distance than ever. |