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The Publisher's Preface.

HE World is much indebted to the famous Sir HUMPHRY POLESWORTH, for his ingenious and impartial Account of JOHN BULL'S Lawsuit; yet

there is just cause of complaint against him, in that he retails it only by parcels, and won't give us the whole Work. This forces me, who am only the Publisher, to bespeak the assistance of his friends and acquaintance, to engage him to lay aside that stingy humour, and to gratify the curiosity of the public at once. He pleads in excuse, that they are only Private Memoirs, written for his own use, in a loose style, to serve as a help to his ordinary conversation." I represented to him the good reception of the two first Parts had met [with], that though they had been calculated by him only for the meridian of Grub street, yet they were taken notice of by the better sort; that the World was now sufficiently acquainted with JOHN BULL, and interested in his little concerns. He answered with a smile, that "he had, indeed, some trifling things to impart that concerned JOHN BULL'S Relations and domestic affairs: if these would satisfy me, he gave me free leave to make use of them! because they would serve to make the History of the Lawsuit more intelligible."

When I had looked over the manuscript, I found likewise some further account of the Composition; which perhaps may not be unacceptable to such as have read the two former Parts.

The Character of JOHN BULL'S mother.

OHN had a mother [the Church of England] whom he loved and honoured extremely; a discreet, grave, sober, good-conditioned, cleanly old Gentlewoman as ever lived. She was none of your cross-grained, termagant scolding Jades that one had as good be hanged, as live in the house with! such as are always censuring the conduct, and telling scandalous stories, of their neighbours; extolling their own good qualities, and undervaluing those of others. On the contrary, she was of a meek spirit: and as she was strictly virtuous herself, so she always put the best construction upon the words and actions of her neighbours; except where they were irreconcilable to the rules of honesty and decency. She was neither one of your precise prudes, nor one of your phantastical old belles that dress themselves like girls of fifteen as she neither wore a ruff, forehead cloth, nor high-crowned hat, so she had laid aside feathers, flowers, and crimpt ribbons in her head-dress, furbelow [flounce], scarfs, and hooped petticoats. She scorned to patch [wear black spots on the face] and paint; yet she loved to keep her hands and her face clean. Though she wore no flaunting laced ruffles, she would not keep herself in a constant sweat with greasy flannel. Though her hair was not stuck with jewels, she was not ashamed of a diamond cross. She was not, like some ladies, hung about with toys and trinkets, twiser

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582 MIDDLE POSITION OF CHURCH OF ENGLAND. [PA III. 1715

Part

[tweezer] cases, pocket-glasses, and essence-bottles! she used only a gold watch, and an Almanack to mark the hours and the Holy Days.

Her furniture was neat and genteel, well fancied with a bon goût. As she affected not the grandeur of a State with a canopy, she thought there was no offence in an elbow-chair. She had laid aside your carving, gilding, and Japan [japanned] work, as being too apt to gather dirt: but she never could be prevailed upon to part with plain wainscot and clean hangings. There are some ladies who affect to smell a stink in everything; they are always highly perfumed, and continually burning frankincense in their rooms [Roman Catholic worship]: she was above such affectation; yet she never would lay aside the use of brooms and scrubbing brushes, and scrupled not to lay her linen in fresh lavender.

She was no less genteel in her behaviour, well bred without affectation; in the due mean between one of your affected curtseying pieces of formality [Nonconformity], and your romps that have no regard to the common rules of civility. There are some ladies that affect a mighty regard for their relations. "We must not eat to-day, for my uncle Toм or my cousin BETTY died this time ten years! [Saints Days]." "Let us have a ball to-night, it is my neighbour Such-a-one's birthday!" She looked upon all this as a grimace [mask], yet she constantly observed her Husband's birthday [Christmas Day], her wedding day [? Whitsunday], and some few more.

Though she was a truly good woman, and had a sincere motherly love for her son JOHN; yet there wanted not those who endeavoured to create a misunderstanding between them and they had so far prevailed with him once [in the time of the Commonwealth] that he had turned her out of doors [exclusion of the Episcopacy from the House of Lords in 1644]; to his great sorrow, as he found afterwards, for his affairs went all at sixes and sevens.

She was no less judicious in the turn of her conversation, and choice of her studies, in which she far exceeded all her sex [all other Churches]. Your rakes that hate the company of all sober grave Gentlewomen, would bear hers: and she would, by her handsome manner of proceeding, sooner reclaim, than some that were more sour and reserved [Nonconformists]. She was a zealous preacher up of Chastity and Conjugal Fidelity

in wives [obedience and submission to the King]; and by no means a friend to the new-fangled doctrine of the "Indispensable Duty of Cuckoldom" [Resistance to Arbitrary Power]. Though she advanced her opinions with a becoming assurance; yet she never ushered them in, as some positive creatures do, with dogmatic assertions, "This is infallible!" "I cannot be mistaken!" "None but a rogue can deny it!" It has been observed, that such people are oftener in the wrong than anybody.

Though she had a thousand good qualities, she was not without her faults: amongst which, one might perhaps reckon too great lenity to her servants; to whom she always gave good counsel, but often too gentle correction.

I thought I could not say less of JOHN BULL'S mother, because she bears a part in the following transactions.

CHAPTER II.

The Character of JOHN BULL's sister PEG, with the quarrels that happened between Master and Miss in their childhood.

OHN has a sister [the Kirk of Scotland], a poor girl that had been starved at nurse. Anybody would have guessed Miss to have been bred up under the influence of a cruel step-dame, and JOHN to be the fondling of a tender mother. JOHN looked ruddy and plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter; Miss looked pale and wan, as if she had the green sickness: and, no wonder, for JOHN was the darling! He had all the good bits, was crammed with good pullet, chicken, pig, goose, and capon: while Miss had only a little oatmeal and water, or a dry crust without butter. JOHN had his golden pippins, peaches, and nectarines; poor Miss a crab apple, sloe, or a blackberry. Master lay in the best apartment, with his bedchamber [England] towards the south sun: Miss lodged in a garret [Scotland], exposed to the north wind, which shrivelled her countenance. However this usage, though it stunted the girl in her growth, gave her a hardy constitution.

She had life and spirit in abundance, and knew when she

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584 DISSENTING CHARMS FOR A STATE KIRK. [Part I. 1712

was ill used. Now and then, she would seize upon JOHN's commons, snatch a leg of a pullet or a bit of good beef: for which they were sure to go to fisticuffs. Master was indeed too strong for her, but Miss would not yield in the least point; but even when Master had got her down, she would scratch and bite like a tiger. When he gave her a cuff on the ear, she would prick him with her knitting needle. JOHN brought a great chain, one day, to tie her to the bed-post: for which affront, Miss aimed a penknife at his heart. In short, these quarrels grew up to rooted aversions. They gave one another nicknames. She called him "GUNDY-GUTS!" and he called her "Lousy PEG!"

Though the girl was a tight clever wench, as any was: and, through her pale looks, you might discern spirit and vivacity, which made her, not indeed a perfect beauty, but something that was agreeable.

It was barbarous in parents, not to take notice of these early quarrels, and make them live better together: such domestic feuds proving afterwards the occasions of misfortunes to them both.

PEG had indeed some odd humours and comical antipathy; for which JOHN would jeer her. "What do you think of my sister PEG," says he, "that faints at the sound of an organ! and yet will dance and frisk at the noise of a bagpipe?"

"What is that to you, GUNDY-GUTS!" quoth PEG, "everybody is to choose their own music!"

Then PEG had taken a fancy, not to say her Paternoster; which made people imagine strange things of her.

Of the three brothers that have made such a clutter in the world, Lord PETER, MARTIN, and JACK [the names by which SWIFT in his Tale of a Tub distinguished the Roman Catholics, the Church of England, and the Fanatics (Dissenters)], JACK had, of late, been her inclination. Lord PETER she detested, nor did MARTIN stand much better in her good graces; but JACK had found the way to her heart. I have often admired [wondered] what charms she discovered in that awkward booby! till I talked with a person that was acquainted with the intrigue, who gave me the following account of it.