His discourse was upon husbandry; and as he never deceived me in any thing but where he deceived himself, I heard him also with pleasure. "These were therefore my halcyon days, on which I always reflect with regret and tears. How different were the succeeding ones, in which I have listened to the tales of old maids running over an endless list of lovers they never had; of old beaux who boasted of favours from ladies they never saw; of senators who narrated the eloquence they never spoke! giving me such a disgust and nausea to lies, that at length my ears, which were at that time much too quick for my office, grew unable to bear them. But prudently considering that I must either hear or starve, I invented the following expedient for qualifying a lie. While I assented by some gesticulation, or motion of the head, eyes, or muscles of the face, I resolved to have in reserve some inward expression of dissent. Of these I had various; but for the sake of brevity I shall only trouble you with one. "A younger brother, who had served abroad all his life, as he would frequently tell us, and who came unexpectedly to the estate and castle where he found me with a good character, took so kindly to me that he seemed to desire no other companion; and as a proof of it never sent to invite or add to our company any one of the numerous friends he so often talked of, of great rank, bravery, and honour, who would have gone to the end of the world to have served him. I could have loved him too, but for one fault. He would lie without measure or disguise. His usual exaggeration was-and As thus: At the siege of Monticelli,' a town in Italy, as he told us, I received in several parts of my body three-and-twenty shot, and more. At the battle of Caratha, in Turkey, I rode to more. death eighteen horses, and more. With Lodamio, the Bavarian general, I drank, hand to fist, six dozen of hock, and more.' Upon all such occasions I inwardly anticipated him, by substituting in the place of his last two words, the two following-or less. But it so happened one unfortunate evening, as he was in the midst of the sharpest engagement ever heard of, in which with his single broad sword he had killed five hundred, and more, that I kept my time more precisely than silence: for unhappily the qualifying or less, which should have been tacitly swallowed for the quieting my own spirit, was so audibly articulated to the inflaming of his, that the moment he heard subjoined to his five hundred-or less, the fury of his resentment descended on my ear with a violent blow of his fist. By this slip of my tongue I lost my post in that family, and the hearing of my left ear. "The consequences of this accident gave me great apprehensions for a considerable time: for the slightest cold affecting the other ear, I was frequently rebuked for misplacing my marks of approbation. But I soon discovered that it was no real misfortune; for experience convinced me that absolute silence was of greater estimation than the best-timed syllable of interruption. It is to this experience that I shall refer you, after having recounted the last memorable adventure of my unfortunate history. "The last family that received me was so numerous in relations and visitors, that I found I should be very little regarded when I had worn off the character of stranger; though as such, I was as earnestly applied to as any High Court of Appeals. For as the force of liquor co-operated with the force of blood, they one and all addressed themselves to me to settle the antiquity of their families; vociferating at one and the same time above a score of genealogies. This was a harder service than any I had ever been used to; and the whole weight of the clamour falling on my only surviving ear, unhappily overpowered it, and I became from that instant totally deaf. "Had this accident happened a few years sooner, it would have driven me to despair; but my experience, assuring me that I am now much better qualified than ever, gives me an expectation of making my fortune: I therefore apply to you to recommend me for a hearer, in a country where there is better encouragement, and where I doubt not of giving satisfaction. "I shall not trouble you with enumerating the advantages attending a deaf hearer: it will be enough for me to say, that as such, I am no longer subject to the danger of an irresistible smile: nor will my squeamish dislike to lies bring me again into disgrace. I shall now be exempt from the many misfortunes which my ungovernable ears have formerly led me into. What reproving looks have I had for turning my eyes when I have heard a bird fly against the window, or the dog and cat quarrelling in a corner of the room! How have I been reprimanded, when detected in dividing my attention between the stories of my patron, and the brawls of his family! What had I to do with the quarrels of his family?' I own the reproof was just; but I appeal to you, whether any man who has his ears can restrain them, when a quarrel is to be heard, from making it the chief object of his attention? "To conclude. If you observe a talker in a large company, you never see him examining the state of a man's ear: his whole observation is upon the eye; and if he meet with the wandering or the vacant eye, he turns away, and instantly addresses himself to another. My eyes were always good; but as it is notorious that the privation of some parts add strength and perfection to others, I may boast that since the loss of my ears, I found my eyes, which are confessedly the principal organs of attention, so strong, quick, and vigilant, that I can, without vanity, offer myself for as good a hearer as any in England. "Yours," &c. No. 57. THURSDAY, JANUARY 31, 1754. Of all the passions of the human mind, there is not one that we allow so much indulgence to as contempt. But to determine who are the proper objects of that passion, may possibly require a greater degree of sagacity and penetration than most men are masters of. Whoever conforms to the opinion of the world, will often be deceived; and whoever contradicts the opinion of the world, which I am now about to do, will as often be despised. But it is the duty of a public writer to oppose popular errors; a duty which I imposed upon myself at the commencement of this work, and which I shall be ready to perform, as often as I see occasion. It is not my present intention to treat of individuals, and the contempt they are apt to entertain for one another: my design is an extensive one; it is to rescue no less than three large bodies of men from the undeserved contempt of almost all the good people of England, and to recommend them to the said good people for their pity and compassion. The three large bodies I am speaking of, and which, collectively considered, make up at least a fourth part of his majesty's subjects, are Parsons, Authors, and Cuckolds. I shall consider each of these classes in the order in which it stands, beginning with the parson, as the most respectable of the three. And though there is no denying that this profession took its rise from so exploded thing as religion, the belief of which I do not intend to inculcate, having conceived an opinion that these my lucubrations have admission into families too polite for such concernments; yet I have hopes of showing to the satisfaction of my readers, that a parson is not absolutely so contemptible a character as is generally imagined. I know it has been urged in his favour, that though unfortunately brought up to the trade of religion, he entertains higher notions in private, and neither believes nor practises what by his function he is obliged to teach. But allowing this defence to be a partial one, and that a parson is really and to all intents and purposes a believer, I do not admit, even in this case, that he deserves all the contempt that people are inclined to throw upon him; especially if the extreme narrowness of his education be duly enquired into. While the sons of great persons are indulged by tutors and their mothers' maids at home, the intended parson is confined closely to school; from whence he has the misfortune to be sent directly to college, where he continues, perhaps half a score years, drudging at his courses, and where, for want of money, he may exclaim with Milton, that - Ever-during dark Surrounds me: from the cheerful ways of men P. L. iii. 45. |