the other for a very honest gentleman, who, we were told, was then drinking below. Though we could have very well dispensed with his company, we were glad to submit to this disposition, as there was not another bed empty in the house; and accordingly went to rest, after having secured our baggage under the bolster. About two or three o'clock in the morning, I was waked out of a very profound sleep, by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these words pronounced with a terrible voice: "Blood and wounds! run the halbert into the guts of him that's next you, and I'll blow the other's brains out presently." This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap, than, starting out of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and overturned him in an instant; at the same time bawling out, "Fire! murder! fire!" a cry which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and filled our chamber with a crowd of naked people. When lights were brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared; which was no other than our fellowlodger, whom we found lying on the floor scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment at the concourse that surrounded him. This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting serjeant, who, having listed two country fellows over night, dreamed they had mutinied, and threatened to murder him and the drummer who was along with him. This made such an impression on his imagination, that he got up in his sleep, and expressed himself as above. When our apprehension of danger vanished, the company beheld one another with great surprise and mirth; but what attracted the notice of every one, was our landlady, with nothing on her but her shift, and a large pair of buckskin breeches, with the backside before, which she had slipt on in the hurry, and her husband, with her petticoat about his shoulders. One had wrapt himself in a blanket, another was covered with a sheet; and the drummer, who had given his only shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo, with the bolster rolled about his middle. When this affair was discussed, every body retired to his own apartment, the serjeant slipt into bed, and my companion and I slept without any farther disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to breakfast, paid our reckoning, and set forward, in expectation of overtaking the waggon; in which hope, however, we were disappointed for that day. As we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found myself quite spent with fatigue, when we entered a small village in the twilight. We enquired for a public house, and were directed to one of a very sorry appearance. At our entrance, the landlord, who seemed to be a venerable old man, with long grey hair, rose from a table, placed by a large fire, in a very neat paved kitchen, and, with a cheerful countenance, accosted us in these

words: "Salvete, pueri, ingredimini." I was not a little pleased to hear our host speak Latin, because I was in hope of recommending myself to him, by my knowledge in that language; I therefore answered, without hesitation, "Dissolve frigus, ligna super foco large reponens.” I had no sooner pronounced these words, than the old gentleman running toward me, shook me by the hand, crying, "Fili mi dilectissime! unde venis? a superis, ni fallor!" In short, finding we were both read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his regard enough; but ordered his daughter, a jolly rose-cheeked damsel, who was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum, repeating from Horace, at the same time," Deprome quadrimum sabina, O Thaliarche, merum diota." This quadrimum was excellent ale of his own brewing, of which he told us he had always an amphora four years old, for the use of himself and friends. In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with scraps of Latin, we understood that this facetious person was a schoolmaster, whose income being small, he was fain to keep a glass of good liquor for the entertainment of passengers, by which he made shift to make the two ends of the year meet. "I am this day," said he, " the happiest old fellow in his majesty's dominions. My wife, rest her soul, is in heaven. My daughter is to be married next week; but the two chief pleasures of my life are these, (pointing to the bottle, and a large edition of Horace that lay on the table.) I am old, 'tis true-what then? the more reason I should enjoy the small share of life that remains, as my friend Flaccus advises. "Tu ne quæsieris (scire nefas) quem mini, quem tibi finem dii dederint. Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero." As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple of acquainting him with our situation, which, when he had learned, he enriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us, that he was no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In the mean time, he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire for supper, for he was resolved this night to regale his friendspermittens divis cætera. While our entertainment was preparing, our host recounted the adventures of his own life, which, as they contain nothing remarkable, I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously, and drank several bottles of his quadrimum, Í expressed a desire of going to rest, which was with some difficulty complied with, after he had informed us, that we should overtake the waggon by noon next day; and that there was room enough in it for half a dozen, for there were only four passengers as yet in that convenience. Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation about the good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of his benevolence, that he positively believed we should pay nothing for our lodging and entertainment. "Don't you

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observe, said he, "that he has conceived a particular affection for us; nay, even treated us at supper with extraordinary fare, which, to be sure, we should not of ourselves have called for?" I was partly of Strap's opinion; but the expeperience I had of the world made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up betimes, we breakfasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding and ale, and desired to know what we had to pay. Biddy will let you know, gentlemen," said he, " for I never mind these matters. Money matters are beneath the concern of one who lives upon the Horatian plan. Crescentem sequitur cura pecuniam."— Meanwhile, Biddy having consulted a slate that bung in the corner, told us, our reckoning came to 8s. 7d. "Eight shillings and sevenpence!" cried Strap; “'tis impossible-you must be mistaken, young woman."-"Reckon again, child," says her father, very deliberately, "perhaps you have miscounted."-" No, indeed, father," she replied; "I know my business better." I could contain my indignation no longer, but said, it was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the particulars; upon which the old man got up, muttering, “Ay, ay, let us see the particulars-that's but reasonable." And, taking pen, ink, and paper, wrote the following items:

As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised a sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night, it was not in my power to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore I contented myself with saying, I was sure he did not learn to be an extortioner from Horace. He answered, "I was but a young man, and did not know the world, or I would not tax him with extortion, whose only aim was to live contentus parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies." My fellow-traveller could not so easily put up with this imposition; but swore he should either take one-third of the money, or go without. While we were engaged in this dispute, I perceived the daughter go out, and, conjecturing the occasion, immediately paid the exorbitant demand, which was no sooner done, than Biddy returned with two stout fellows, who came in on pretence of taking their morning draught; but in reality to frighten us into compliance. Just as we departed, Strap, who was half distracted on account of this piece of expence, went up to the schoolmaster, and, grinning in his face, pronounced with great emphasis, "Semper avarus

eget." To which the pedant replied, with a malicious smile, "Animum rege, qui, nisi paret, imperat."

CHAP. X.

We descry the Waggon-get into it—arrive al an Inn-our Fellow-Travellers described-a mistake is committed by Strap, which produces strange things.

WE travelled half a mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts being engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be daily exposed; and the contemplation of my finances, which began sensibly to diminish. At length Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me thus: "Well, fools and their money are soon parted. If my advice had been taken, that old skin-flint should have been damn'd before he had got more than the third of his demand. "Tis a sure sign you came easily by your money, when you squander it away in this manner. Ah, God help you, how many bristly beards must I have mowed before I earned four shillings and three pence halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs? How many days have I sat weaving hair, till my toes were numbed by the cold, my fingers cramp'd, and my nose as blue as the sign of the periwig that hung over the door? What the devil was you afraid of? I would have engaged to box with any one of those fellows that came in, for a guinea. I'm sure I have beat stouter men than either of them." And indeed my companion would have fought any body, when his life was in no danger; but he had a mortal aversion to fire-arms, and all instruments of death. In order to appease him, I assured him, no part of this extraordinary expence should fall upon his shoulders; at which declaration he was affronted, and told me, he would have me to know, that, although he was a poor barber's boy, he had a soul to spend his money with the best squire of the land. Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a refreshment, we descried, towards the evening, to our inexpressible joy, the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us; and, by that time we reached it, were both of us so weary, that, I verily believe, it would have been impracticable for us to have walked one mile farther. We therefore bargained with the driver, whose name was Joey, to give us a cast to the next stage for a shilling; at which place we should meet the master of the waggon, with whom we might agree for the rest of the journey.

Accordingly, the convenience stopt, and Jocy having placed the ladder, Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but, just as he was getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his cars in these words:-" God's fury! there shall no passengers come here." The poor shaver was so disconcerted at this exclamation, which

both he and I imagined proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he descended with great velocity, and a countenance as white as paper. Joey perceiving our astonishment, called with an arch sneer, "Waunds, coptain, why woan't you sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake a penny? Coom, coom, young man, get oop, get oop, never moind the coptain-I'se not afear'd of the coptain." This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering like distant thunder: "Hell and the devil confound me, if I don't make you smart for this!" However, I crept in, and, by accident, got an empty place in the straw, which I immediately took possession of, without being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark. Strap following with the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon the stomach of the captain, who bellowed out in a most dreadful manner,-"Blood and thunder, where's my sword?" At these words, my frighted comrade started up, and at one spring bounced against me with such force, that I thought he was the supposed son of Anak, who intended to press me to death. In the mean time a female voice cried, "Bless me! what is the matter, my dear?"-"The matter," replied the captain, damn my blood! my guts are squeezed into a pancake, by that Scotchman's hump." Strap, trembling all the while at my back, asked him pardon, and laid the blame of what had happened upon the jolting of the waggon; and the woman who spoke before, went on:-" Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own fault, we may thank ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with. I thank God I never travelled so before. I'm sure, if my Lady or Sir John was to know where we are, they would not sleep this night for vexation. I wish to God we had writ for the chariot; I know we shall never be forgiven."-" Come, come, my dear, "replied the captain," it don't signify fretting now we shall laugh it over as a frolic-I hope you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my lord very merry with our adventures in the Diligence." This discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his lady, that I durst not venture to join in the conversation: But immediately after, another female voice began :-" Some people give themselves a great many needless airs— better folks than any here have travelled in waggons before now. Some of us have rode in coaches and chariots with three footmen behind them, without making so much fuss about it. What then? we are now all upon a footing; therefore let's be sociable and merry. What do you say, Isaac? Is not this a good motion, you doating rogue? Speak, you old cent. per cent. fornicator. What desperate debts are you thinking of? What mortgages are you planning? Well, Isaac, po

sitively you shall never gain my favour, till you turn over a new leaf, grow honest, and live like a gentleman. In the mean time, give me a kiss, you old fumbler." These words, accompanied with a hearty smack, enlivened the person to whom they were addressed, to such a degree, that he cried in a transport, though with a faltering voice, "Ah! you wanton baggage-upon my credit, you are a waggish girl, he, he, he. This laugh introduced a fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the poor usurer (such, we afterwards found, was the profession of this our fellow-traveller.) About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till such time as we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having alighted from the waggon, I had an opportunity of viewing the passengers in order as they entered. The first who appeared was a brisk airy girl, about twenty years old, with a silver laced hat on her head, instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit trimmed with silver, very much tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After her came limping, an old man with a worsted night-cap, buttoned under his chin, and a broad brimmed hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck, under which appeared a brown surtout, that covered a thread-bare coat and waistcoat, and, as we afterwards discerned, a dirty flannel jacket. His eyes were hollow, bleared, and gummy; his face was shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles, his gums were destitute of teeth, his nose sharp and drooping, his chin peeked and prominent, so that, when he mumped or spoke, they approached one another like a pair of nut-crackers; he supported himself on an ivory-headed cane, and his whole figure was a just emblem of winter, famine, and avarice. But how was I surprised, when I beheld the formidable captain in the shape of a little thin creature, about the age of forty, with a long withered visage, very much resembling that of a baboon, through the upper part of which two little grey eyes peeped: He wore his own hair in a queue that reached to his rump, which immoderate length, I suppose, was the occasion of a baldness that appeared on the crown of his head, when he deigned to take off his hat, which was very much of the size and cock of Pistol's. Having laid aside his great coat, I could not help admiring the extraordinary make of this man of war: He was about five feet and three inches high, sixteen inches of which went to his face and long scraggy neck; his thighs were about six inches in length, his legs resembling spindles or drum-sticks, two feet and an half, and his body, which put me in mind of extension without substance, engrossed the remainder; so that, on the whole, he appeared like a spider or grashopper erect, and was almost a vox et præterea nihil. His dress consisted of a frock of what is called bear-skin, the skirts of which were about half a foot long, an hussar waistcoat, scarlet breeches, reaching halfway down his thighs,

worsted stockings, rolled up almost to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels at least two inches high; he carried a sword very near as long as himself in one hand, and with the other conducted his lady, who seemed to be a woman of his own age, and still retained some remains of an agreeable person; but so ridiculously affected, that, had I not been a novice in the world, I might have easily perceived in her the deplorable vanity and second-hand airs of a lady's woman. We were all assembled in the kitchen, when Captain Weazel (for that was his name) desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse; and told the landlord they would sup by themselves. The innkeeper replied, that he could not afford them a room by themselves; and, as for supping, he had prepared victuals for the passengers in the waggon, without respect of persons; but if he could prevail on the rest to let him have his choice in a separate manner, he should be very well pleased. This was no sooner said, than all of us declared against the proposal, and Miss Jenny, our other female passenger, observed, that, if Captain Weazel and his lady had a mind to sup by themselves, they might wait until we should have done. At this hint, the captain put on a martial frown, and looked very big, without speaking; while his yoke-fellow, with a disdainful toss of her nose, muttered something about "Creature!" which Miss Jenny overhearing, stept up to her, saying, "None of your names, good Mrs Abigail;-creature quotha-I'll assure you. No such creature as you neither-no ten pound sneaker-no quality coupler."-Here the captain interposed, with a "Damme, madam, what do you inean by that?"-"Damn you, sir, who are you?" replied Miss Jenny; "who made you a captain, you pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping curler?'Sdeath! the army is come to a fine pass, when such fellows as you get commissions-What, I suppose you think I don't know you?-Agad, you and your helpmate are well met a cast-off mistress and a bald valet de chambre are well yoked together."—" Blood and wounds!" cried Weazel, d'ye question the honour of my wife, madam!-Hell and damnation! No man in England durst say so much. I would flea him-carbonado him! Fury and destruction! I would have his liver for my supper." So saying, he drew his sword and flourished with it, to the great terror of Strap; while Miss Jenny, snapping her fingers, told him, she did not value his resentment a louse.

In the midst of this quarrel, the master of the waggon alighted, who understanding the cause of the disturbance, and fearing the captain and his lady would take umbrage, and leave his carriage, was at great pains to have every thing made up, which he at last accomplished, and we sat down to supper all together. At bedtime we were shewn to our apartments. The old usurer, Strap, and I, to one room; the captain, his wife, and Miss Jenny, to another. About midnight,

my companion's bowels being disordered, he got up, in order to go backward; but, in his return, mistaking one door for another, entered Weazel's chamber, and, without any hesitation, went to bed to his wife, who was fast asleep; the captain being at another end of the room, groping for some empty vessel in lieu of his own chamber-pot, which was leaky. As he did not perceive Strap coming in, he went towards his own bed, after having found a convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough head, covered with a cotton night-cap, than it came into his mind that he had mistaken Miss Jenny's bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt was that of some gallant, with whom she had made an assignation. Full of this conjecture, and scandalized at the prostitution of his apartment, he snatched up the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied it at once on the astonished barber and his own wife, who, waking at that instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which not only alarmed the husband beyond measure, but frightened poor Strap almost out of his senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched; especially when the incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley of oaths, asking him how he durst have the presumption to attempt the chastity of his wife. Poor Strap was so amazed and confounded, that he could say nothing but, " I take God to witness, she's a virgin for me." Mrs Weazel, enraged to find herself in such a pickle, through the precipitation of her husband, arose in her shift, and, with the heel of her shoe, which she found by the bed-side, belaboured the captain's bald pate, till he roared, " Murder!"-"I'll teach you to empty your stink pots on me," cried she, "you pitiful hopo'my thumb coxcomb. What! I warrant you're jealous, you man of lath. Was it for this I condescended to take you to my bed, you poor withered sapless twig?" The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought the master of the waggon and me to the door, where we overheard all that passed with great satisfaction. In the mean time, we were alarmed with the cry of " Rape! murder! rape!" which Miss Jenny pronounced with great vociferation. "O! you vile abominable old villain," said she," would you rob me of my virtue? But I'll be revenged of you, you old goat! I will.-Help! for heaven's sake! help!-I shall be ravished-ruined! help!" Some servants of the inn hearing this cry, came running up stairs with lights, and such weapons as chance afforded, when we beheld a very diverting scene. In one corner stood the poor captain shivering in his shirt, which was all torn to rags, with a woeful visage, scratched all over by his wife; who had by this time wrapped the counterpane about her, and sat sobbing on the side of her bed. In the other end lay the old usurer, sprawling on Miss Jenny's bed, with his flannel jacket over his shirt, and his tawny meagre limbs exposed to the ai while she held him fast by the two

cars, and loaded him with execrations. When we asked what was the matter, she affected to weep, told us, she was afraid that wicked rogue had ruined her in her sleep, and bade us take notice of what we saw, for she intended to make use of our evidence against him. The poor wretch looked like one more dead than alive, and begged to be released; a favour which he had no sooner obtained, than he protested she was no woman, but a devil incarnate; that she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and then betrayed him. "Yes, cockatrice," continued he, "you know you laid this snare for me; but you shan't succeed, for I will hang myself before you shall get a farthing of me." So saying, he crawled to his own bed, groaning all the way. We then advanced to the captain, who told us, "Gentlemen, here has been a damned mistake; but I'll be revenged on him who was the occasion of it. That Scotchman who carries the knapsack shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel.-My dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons; you are sensible I could mean no harm to you. "I know not what you meant," replied she, sighing, "but I know I have got enough to send me to my grave." At length they were reconciled. The wife was complimented with a share of Miss Jenny's bed (her own being overflowed), and the master of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep the remaining part of the night with him. I retired to mine, where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having stole away in the dark, while the captain and his lady were at loggerheads.

NEXT morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings for my passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my place when I should be disposed to walkAt the same time I desired him to appease the incensed captain, who had entered the kitchen with a drawn sword in his hand, and threatened, with many oaths, to sacrifice the villain who attempted to violate his bed; but it was to no purpose for the master to explain the mistake, and assure him of the poor lad's innocence, who stood trembling behind me all the while: The more submission that appeared in Strap, the more implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, who swore he must either fight him, or he

would instantly put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this insolence, and told him, it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would engage a man of the sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he would wrestle or box with him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by saying, he would box with him for a guinea. Weazel replied, with a look of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his character to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing in any respect with such a fellow as Strap. "Odds bodikins! (cries Joey) sure, coptain, yaw would not commit moorder! Here's a poor lad that is willing to make atoonement for his offence; and an that woan't satisfie yaw offers to fight yaw fairly. An' yaw woan't box, I dare say, he will coodgel with yaw. Woan't yaw, my lad?"-Strap, after some hesitation, answered, "Yes, yes, I'll cudgel with him." But this expedient being also rejected by the captain, I began to smell his character, and, tipping Strap the wink, told the company that I had always heard it said, the person who receives a challenge should have the choice of the weapons; this therefore being the rule in point of honour, I would venture to promise on the head of my companion, that he would even fight Captain Weazel at sharps; but it should be with such sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely razors. At my mentioning razors, I could perceive the captain's colour change, while Strap, pulling me by the sleeve, whispered, with great eagerness, no, no; for the love of God, don't make any such bargain." At length Weazel, recovering himself, turned towards me, and, with a ferocious countenance, asked, "Who the devil are you? will you fight me?" With these words, putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at seeing the point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and, springing to one side, snatched up a spit that stood in the chimney-corner, with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who made a great many haltlounges, skipping backward at every push, till at last I pinned him up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the company. While he was in this situation, his wife entered, and, seeing her husband in these dangerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful scream. In this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation, which was immediately granted; and at last was contented with the submission of Strap, who, falling on his knees before him, protested the innocence of his intention, and asked pardon for the mistake he had committed. This affair being ended without bloodshed, he went to breakfast, but missed two of our company, nainely, Miss Jenny and the usurer. As for the first, Mrs Weazel informed us, that she had kept her awake all night with her groans; and that, when she rose in the morning, Miss Jenny was so much indisposed, that she could not proceed on her journey. At

No,