him I have redemption through his blood, according to the riches of his grace; and, if Christ be glorified to the higheft, and I afhamed to the loweft, I am content. These words were once sweet to my foul, "I am lefs than the least of all his mercies ;" I then thought I was not worthy of the fmallest favour, yet I aimed to apprehend the greatest gift. Oh amazing scheme of redemption! amazing contrivance of it by God the Father! amazing work of the Son in purifying it! amazing application of it by the Holy Ghoft! amazing poffeffion of it by men! Its now many years fince God put me into the state that I could not totally apoftatize from him, though no thanks to me, for I have done my utmost against him, and yet he hath held me. I know not if ever there was a finner fuch a perverfe wretch as I. Long ago Jehovah filenced me with this, " Is there any thing too hard for the Lord ?" and, to this day, I have never found out the thing, though, perhaps, I have refifted the Spirit more than ever a finner did. I wish all my ftudents were more ferious and diligent than ever I have been. I hope, however, that God will not caft me off as a flothful and wicked fervant. I am fure that be hateth putting away. If God were to deal with men according to their works, (I will not except the apoftle Paul himself), the hottest place in hell would be the lot of us minifters. I think the early death of my father and mother, the death of a wife and children, in a remarkable way, wrought for my good. I could not but notice, when God took away thefe, he always fupplied their room with himfelf: May he deal thus with you when I die. As to my recovery, I wish that God may do do what is most for his glory, and for the good of my foul. Were it left to me, whether I would choose life or death, I would not turn a ftone for either, but would refer it wholly to God himself. All my days I have been rebelling against and vexing his holy Spirit; yet I may fay this has been the fum of his conduct to me, He wrought for his name's fake, that it should not be polluted. Oh how God hath exemplified that love in his conduct to me! " If thine enemy hunger, feed him, if he thirst, give him to drink;" and, in fo doing, I hope he hath not heaped hot melting coals of fire upon my head. Any thing I know about religion is this, That I have found weakness and wickednefs about myfelf, and grace, mercy,and loveliness about Jesus. Oh how strongly Christ hath stuck to me; yet perhaps not one in hell ever gave more oppofition: His cords of love, which he threw a bout me, I caft away; the words which he spake to me I contemned; yet I think he hath made me to yield. I never deferved another word but this, "Depart from me, ye curfed into everlasting fire;" but Chrift hath spoken far kinder words to me; and Oh how enlightning and healing their influence hath been! What a mercy, that God himself enableth us to believe! for that unbelief of the heart would call all the promises rank lies, if God did not stop its mouth. I weary for the Sabbath, and would fain be wearying for the everlasting Sabbath : Then fhall I have no need of the affistance of preachers, nor will I even need the bleffed Bible itself; God's face will ferve me for preachers and Bible too. Oh that is a ftrange text!" God fo loved the world, that he gave his only-begotten Son for it." This declaration would fet fet our hearts all on fire, if they were not infernally frozen; and, indeed, clofely applied by the Holy Ghost, it would fet them on fire though they were fo. He once applied it with fuch power to my foul, that I think the application of it would have inflamed the heart of a devil, had it been fpoken to him.-To his fons in the miniftry he repeated the exhortations he had given them before, O labour, labour to win fouls to Chrift! I will fay this for your encouragement, that, when the Lord led me out to be moft diligent this way, he poured in moft comfort into my heart, fo that he gave me my re ward in my bofom; and, when I have tried to help vacancies, the Lord had repaid we well with glimpses of his glory. Were the Lord to make me young again, I think I should study to devife other means for the gaining of fouls than thofe which I have used, and to profecute them with more activity than ever I did. I am but weak, but it is delightful to find one's felf weak in everlasting arms. O how much I owe my Lord! O how marvellously God had continued my judgment, confidering how much I have abufed it, and continued my hope of eternal life, though I have mifimproved it! My memory is much failed; but, were death once over, I will remember God's heaping of mercies, and my multiplied provocations; and, when I view the firft on the one fide and on the other, on a new covenant footing, I will fing thanksgivings to God for ever. So far as ever I obferved God's dealings with my heart, the flights of preachers fometimes entertained me, but it was fcripture expreffions which did penetrate my heart, and that in a way peculiar to themfelves. Oh what must muft Chrift be in himself, when he fweetens heaven, fweetens fcriptures, fweetens ordinances, fweetens earth, and even sweetens trials! Oh what a rebellious child I have been to God! and O what a kind Father he hath been to me! I need not go farther than myfelf to fee that God is love, for, even in my trouble, he treats me. as a mother doth her only fucking child: The finished righteousness of Chrift is the only foundation of my hope; I have no more dependence on my labours than on my fins; I reckon it a wonder of mercy, that God took any of my labours off my hand: righteousness belongeth unto him, but unto me fhame and confufion of face. If the Lord were to render unto me according unto my works, the hottest place in hell would be my reward; yet, by Chrift's works, eternal life to the most worthlefs wretch is but a fuitable recompence. I find I am not strong; but, Oh! its a wonder I am not damned. I blefs God that, at least, I know this much about religion; I am convinced I am as a beast before God., I remember that, about the year, I was breathing out slaughter against the Lord; but that was always the turn of the tale, "But I obtained mercy," If I were offered the crown of Britain inftead of the fellowship with Christ which I then enjoyed, I would not hesitate a moment about choofing the latter. Oh the debt of grace is a strange kind of debt! Were I, even now, two or three hundred pounds in debt to any man, it would confiderably diftrefs me; but my views of my debt to free grace remarkably refresh my heart. Were I now in heaven, a look of Christ would cure my broken memory, and all my other weakneffes. There I should need need no wine nor fpirits to recruit me; nor would I mind them, but as Chrift, through them, was kind to me. God hath been heaping favours upon me, the finner, these forty years paft; and I will fay, to his honour, that he hath made my days of affliction always the happiest: Indeed I think I have feldom had very fweet days, except when I have met with affliction one way or another. I think the church, at prefent, is in a very poor condition; but the Lord can revive her. I have often found that, when wicked lufts and devils have caufed great disorder in my heart, the Lord hath brought order out of confufion: This partly encourages me to believe, that, though wicked men and devils caufe diforder in the church, yet the Lord will make all things work together for good to his own elect. I do not expect to see it, yet its the joy of my heart that the time is coming, when "the kingdoms of this world fhall become the kingdoms of our Lord and his Chrift:" Dead churches fhall yet be quickened, apoftate churches fhall yet be recovered, and churches fhall be planted where there were none before. I could wifh to live and die a deep, deep debtor to mercy, and that none of my works fhould ever be mentioned but as manifeftations of mercy, in enabling fuch a finner to do any thing for the honour of the God of mercy, and for promoting the work of mercy in the welfare of others. Though pride prevails much in my heart, yet I think I would trample it thus far under my feet, as that I would be glad to see all my students, and not only they, but all the faithful ministers of Jefus, bringing hundreds or thousands of fouls with them into heaven, though I fhould have but five or fix. |