the length of the admiration to be always adapted to, and particularly never to exceed, the aforesaid intervals.

But in order to explain the method he took to qualify me still farther, and to inure me to patience, I must give you a short history of this worthy parson. He was truly, what he was called, a good sort of a man; if charity, friendship, and good-humour can entitle a man to that character, I must not conceal the meanness of his education, in which he discovered, however, as great a genius as could possibly arise out of a stable and a kennel. He was a thorough sportsman, and so good a shot, that the late squire took a fancy to him, made him his constant companion, and gave him the living. But that he might not be lost in study and sermon-making, he contrived to marry him to the daughter of the late incumbent, who had been taught by her father latin and metaphysics, and exercised from twelve years old to forty in making themes and sermons. As she was by nature meagre and deformed, by constitution fretful and complaining, by education conceited and disputatious, by study pale and bleared-eyed, and by habit talkative and loud, the friendship of the good parson suggested her as the fittest person in the world to exercise my patience for a few months, and inure me to the discipline of my future function. In this station I made a vast progress in a little time; for I not only heard above a thousand sermons, but the strict observance of my vow of attention having made me a favourite, I was complained to whenever any thing went amiss in the family, and often scolded at for the husband, whose office grew into a sinecure; insomuch, that if I had not known the sincerity and uprightness of his heart, I should have suspected him of bringing me into his house to supply for him all those duties which he wanted to be eased of. But he had no such in

terested views; for as soon as he found his help mate had transfused into me a necessary portion of patience and long-suffering, he recommended me to my fortune, giving me, generous man! a coat and wig, which formerly himself, and before him the squire, had worn for many years upon extraordinary days. Having thus equipped me, he resumes the duties of his family, where he officiates to this day with true christian resignation.

1

My first reception was at the house of a gentleman, who in the early part of his life had followed the study of botany. Nature and truth are so pleasing to the mind of man, that they never satiate. Alas! he happened one day to taste, by mistake, a root that had been sent him from the Indies: it was a most subtle poison, to which his experience in British simples knew no antidote. Immediately upon his death, a neighbouring gentleman who had his eye upon me some time, sent me an invitation. His discourse was upon husbandry; and as he never deceived me in any thing but where he deceived himself, I heard him also with pleasure.

These were therefore my halcyon days, on which I always reflect with regret and tears. How different were the succeeding ones, in which I have listened to the tales of old maids running over an endless list of lovers they never had; of old beaux who boasted of favours from ladies they never saw; of senators who narrated the eloquence they never spoke! giving me such a disgust and nausea to lies, that at length my ears, which were at that time much too quick for my office, grew unable to bear them. But prudently considering that I must either hear or starve, I invented the following expedient for qualifying a lie. While I assented by some gesticulation or motion of the head, eyes, or muscles, of the face, I resolved to have in reserve some inward expression of dissent.

Of these I had various; but for the sake of brevity, I shall only trouble you with one.

A younger brother, who had served abroad all his life, as he would frequently tell us, and who came unexpectedly to the estate and castle where he found me with a good character, took so kindly to me that he seemed to desire no other companion; and as a proof of it never sent to invite or add to our company any one of the numerous friends he so often talked of, of great rank, bravery, and honour, who would have gone to the end of the world to have served him. I could have loved him too, but for one fault. He would lie without measure or disguise. His usual exagge ration was....and more. As thus, "At the siege of "Monticelli," (a town in Italy, as he told us) "I re"ceived in several parts of my body three and twenty "shot, and more. At the battle of Caratha" (in Turkey) "I rode to death eighteen horses, and more. "With Lodamio the Bavarian general, I drank hand "to fist, six dozen of hock, and more." Upon all such occasions I inwardly anticipated him, by substituting in the place of his last two words, the two following ....or less. But it so happened one unfortunate evening, as he was in the midst of the sharpest engagement ever heard of, in which with his single broadsword he had killed five hundred, and more, that I kept my time more precisely than silence: for unhappily the qualifying or less, which should have been tacitly swallowed for the quieting my own spirit, was so audibly articulated to the inflaming of his, that the moment he heard subjoined to his five hundred....or less, the fury of his resentment descended on my ear with a violent blow of his fist. By this slip of my tongue I lost my post in that family, and the hearing of my left ear.

The consequences of this accident gave me great apprehensions for a considerable time: for the slight

est cold affecting the other ear, I was frequently rebuked for misplacing my marks of approbation. But I soon discovered that it was no real misfortune; for experience convinced me, that absolute silence was of greater estimation than the best-timed syllable of interruption. It is to this experience that I shall refer you, after having recounted the last memorable adventure of my unfortunate history.

The last family that received me was so numerous in relations and visitors, that I found I should be very little regarded when I had worn off the character of stranger; though as such, I was as earnestly applied to as any high court of appeals. For as the force of liquor co-operated with the force of blood, they one and all addressed themselves to me to settle the antiquity of their families; vociferating at one and the same time above a score of genealogies. This was a harder service than any I had ever been used to; and the whole weight of the clamour falling on my only surviving ear, unhappily over-powered it, and I became from that instant totally deaf.

Had this accident happened a few years sooner, it would have driven me to despair; but my experience, assuring me that I am now much better qualified than ever, gives me an expectation of making my fortune: I therefore apply to you to recommend me for a Hearer in a country where there is better encouragement, and where I doubt not of giving satisfaction.

I shall not trouble you with enumerating the advantages attending a deaf Hearer: it will be enough for me to say, that as such, I am no longer subject to the danger of an irresistible smile: nor will my squeamish dislike to lies bring me again into disgrace. I shall now be exempt from the many misfortunes which my ungovernable ears have formerly led me into. What reproving looks have I had for turning my eyes when I have heard a bird fly against the

window, or the dog and cat quarrelling in a corner of the room! How have I been reprimanded, when detected in dividing my attention between the stories of my patron, and the brawls of his family!" What had I to do with the quarrels of his family?" I own the reproof was just; but I appeal to you, whether any man who has his ears, can restrain them when a quarrel is to be heard, from making it the chief object of his attention?

To conclude. If you observe a talker in a large company, you never see him examining the state of a man's ear: his whole observation is upon the eye; and if he meet with the wandering or the vacant eye, he turns away, and instantly addresses himself to another. My eyes were always good; but as it is notorious that the privation of some parts add strength and perfection to others, I may boast that, since the loss of my ears, I found my eyes (which are confessedly the principal organs of attention) so strong, quick, and vigilant, that I can without vanity offer myself for as good a Hearer as any in England.

Yours, &c.

C 2